On The Road With Josh #3 - Tour Can Suck, But Not As Much As New Jersey

Josh is friends with my co-worker, Jenn. He's driving a truck for and performing with a national tour of a musical touring show. Josh is ...well...gay and is pretty thoroughly urbanized. Touring the "flyover states" has been an eye opening experience for Josh, sometimes wonderful, sometimes horrible and he's been detailing them in emails to Jenn and others.

Jenn has been reading his emails to me in the office and I love them. They're alternately sweet, smartass and brutally honest, to be sure. But they're also an outsiders opinion of places that he normally never would be and I like that. Above all, they're honestly how he feels and I find that to be fascinating.

To protect Josh and his job, I'm omitting his last name, the name of his company and the name of the show that he's on tour with. His thoughts on this journey, however, are presented exactly as he writes them in his emails. Other than altering incriminating nouns, I have changed nothing about the following email.

On The Road With Josh #3
Tour Can Suck, But Not As Much As New Jersey

He-he-hello!

My goodness my weeks have been packed, like a butt in too-tight jeans.... To those of you I have talked with often, some of this might be a repeat, BUT I have tried to summarize the highlights (hi-lights? Hi-lites? Hai laights?....) for you:

1) SOME SMALL TOWN, NY: Staff -- dumb, pudgy, inexperienced, except for one girl with big boob salad. Space -- tiny, long load in, gross basement. Other: My frosted Mini-Spooners were stolen from the truck. There is a Walmart, Pizza Hut, and Home Depot in the town, so everyone is large, wears cheap clothes, and builds stuff.

2) ANOTHER SMALL TOWN, NH: Staff -- overeager, pudgy, know-it-alls. Space: Raked stage, no loading dock, second floor fork-lift entry, tiny space = are you fucking kidding me?! Other: Had the last Hampton Inn of the tour...this makes me exceedingly weepy.

3) Philadelphia, PA/Camden, NJ: I drove a 13 ton (26 thousand pound) 26 foot truck through mountains, snow, New York City, and Camden rush-hour traffic.....this was beyond wretched. I hated every minute of it and I cried after the 8 hours spent driving...AND, the hotel we stayed in had a fire in a penthouse half an hour after we arrived. HOWEVER, the hotel was in downtown Philly, close to every amount of shopping and theatre one could want, and the three days off were glorious...as were the video games, I am sad to say, I am good at. Camden sucked major cake hole. It's beyond disgusting (as is non-shoreline Jersey). Crew: Fucktards all around. Space: not ideal, dirty, and it's the crap NAME OF RECOGNIZABLE SCHOOL, not the nice NAME OF RECOGNIZABLE SCHOOL. Other: I almost got robbed in the checkout line at Walmart.

4) I have forgotten what happened next. I felt kinda dispalced, out of control, useless. I got over it, and thank you to those of you who responded to my text. I drowned my sorrows in a pulled-pork BBQ sandwich at the Moonlite BBQ Restaurant....ick... Have I told you about Gaffe Tape Hitler? Oh, it exists!

5) Owensboro, KY: Nothing exciting, here, but I did start playing a group role-playing game called Hunter, the Reckoning, all about killing Zombies. I play a character called "Martyr" (a really cool, hip, trendy Asian female club kid) who pistol whips, karate chops, and rocket launches any biznatch who tries to git up in my bidniss. WORD, MUTHUH CHUCKUHS!

6) Huntington, TN: ......Je deteste..... Drive: Five feet from the highway in Purtyear, TN, I saw an unsupervised toddler on a giant trampeline in front of a mobile home with five trucks parked outside and ginormous satellite dish out back, with a pig chained to the side of the trailer....omg, like, totes..... Hotel: One-floor, exterior entry only Best Western that smelled of wet cats and pee, and was situated on a route and back route. I bought a candle from (quelle surprise) Walmart and tried not to get raped/killed by Norman Bates. It was definitely a "squeal like a pig/you gotta purty mouth" kind of town, with "pull my finger" men, and women of the "ah jest got mah hair did" ilk. Space -- The COUNTRY MUSIC STAR Performing Arts Center & Academy....COUNTRY STAR wasn't there. It was located down the street from LOCAL Restaurant, at which Farmerican Idol took place (this was for reals, not for maybes.) Was a tiny space, but good experience. Staff: Good ol' boys, who smile and ooze Southern charm as if it were diarrhea. Other: Thank the deity above there was a coffee shop. When you get the opportunity, go to www.holylandexperience.com (shalom, evr'body, shalom)

7) Paducah, KY: Who knew I would like Paducah!? Well, at least where the hotel is, it's hoppin'. Space: Huge and beautiful. Perfect. Muchly needed. AND, I got all sorts of special mentions and congrats for my performance thus far from the production coordinator, TD, and stage manager which added to my already better mood. Staff: VUNDERBAR! Everyone was helpful, efficient, friendly, and glad to have us, except for this really angry, large, lesbian....imagine that....

8) A week in Nashville, coming up, then Huntington, WV, and then off to my beloved Illinois, and midwest. We're traveling to Madison, Cedar Falls, East Lansing, and some other place, Champaign, and some other place again. SO, Happy Belated Valentine's Day, Happy Birthday if your's was missed or is coming up, and call when you get the chance, or send an e-mail.

Lovingnessmentishingness,
Joshua